Thoughts on a Plane

The next time you fly, try the following:

1. If you fly more than never, get TSA PreCheck. Trust me.

2. When choosing your beverages for the evening, consider this: how much do I want to sleep? If you’re anything like me, you can only sleep on public transportation with the help of mild depressants. Fortunately, most flights supply these. I recommend having a couple of glasses of wine, or your equivalent. Which brings me to my next point…

3. If they offer you mini-bottles, take them. You don’t have to drink them now, but when you’re eating your soggy sandwich later that evening, you’ll be glad you can wash it down with some nice red wine. Border security took my red wine 😦

4. When using the flight’s bathroom facilities, remember to multi-task. You can in fact pee and brush your teeth at the same time. This is somewhat disturbing, I concede, but when I remember the sheer number of bowel movements on the plane, I get over it.

5. Keep in mind that others can see your movie selections. To the guy who kept fast-forwarding, then pausing his Scarlett Johansson  movie at opportune moments, I saw that. Also, ScarJo can’t feel your finger caressing her lip. I’m judging you, and I’m probably not the only one.

6. Talking to neighbors is tricky. You have to strike that nigh-imperceptible balance between politeness and respecting her/his own time. Good luck, and proceed with caution.

7. If you do want to sleep and have already read step number 2, look for the best way to stretch out without committing the most venal of flight crimes: popping your neighbor’s space bubble. If there are free seats next to you, I recommend a somewhat diagonal corporeal positioning. If you’re limby like me, this is difficult, but COURAGE, ’tis possible!

8. I don’t care how stupid you look, to release the pressure you feel after a flight, follow these steps: close your mouth, pinch your nose, AND BLOW OUT OF YOUR EARS. It works. Just blow. Your ears and head will thank you.

9. Socks are a long flight’s best friend.

10. When it comes down to it, flying is incredible, to use the word literally. If you find yourself angry, cramped, or annoyed that your flight doesn’t stock Woodford Reserve, just remember the words of Louis C.K.: “You’re sitting in a chair…IN THE SKY!” Pretty amazing 🙂

Post your best flight recommendations below. I can always use more tips!